I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Drunk is not a location!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
