I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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