i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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