who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
