I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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