a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
