Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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