I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize