i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
