He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
