Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
