so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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