I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize