Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
