I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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