he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize