His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize