take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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