ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
