He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think I am morally bankrupt
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
