btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
