Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
