i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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