I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
