Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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