Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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