im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
