I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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