I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
