that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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