I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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