I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize