your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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