Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
