I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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