I think I died a long time ago.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
