dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
