Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
