Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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