i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
