I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
