my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
