yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
