I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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