Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
