i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize