I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
