I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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