Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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