Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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