i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't deserve a penis
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
