Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
