she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
