I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
