i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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