i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
