I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
