i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
