where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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