Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
