Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
