yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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