I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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