you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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